


What Is and What Could Have Been

by leoasc



Category: That '70s Show
Genre: Angst, F/M, Not A Fix-It, Sad, a look into hyde's brain, because i live there, street fighting man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:06:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27412432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leoasc/pseuds/leoasc
Summary: "It was always hard to be so blatantly in love with her. But he would do it anyway."The day of the football game during Street Fighting Man wasn't easy for Hyde - especially since he couldn't get Jackie out his mind. Too heartbroken and hurt, he doesn't do anything to help himself. But that doesn't mean he doesn't think about it.
Relationships: Jackie Burkhart/Steven Hyde
Comments: 27
Kudos: 54





	What Is and What Could Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own That 70s Show.

The hurt spiralling through him felt dangerous. It bubbled out of his heart and burned his skin, and it took tremendous effort to tune in and focus on the game, or Kelso and Fez, or anything that wasn't Jackie.

It didn't help that she was being a deliberate pain in the ass trying to get a reaction out of him. The caramel corn, the constant declarations of being single, asking him to take a picture of her between two dudes she wouldn't otherwise touch - she was as transparent as glass. And sharp as it, too. Every one of her attempts was a success, cutting straight through to his heart.

He fucking _missed_ her. It was a feeling that ran so deep he didn't know how to describe it. And it felt so real, he was sure no one had ever felt like this before. Sure, other people had had their hearts broken or whatever. But surely no one had felt this numb.

_She left him._

It was all he could see whenever he looked at her (which was more often than he would have liked). She left him. She left.

He loved her and she left because it wasn't enough.

"Hey, Steven." And she was back. God, he wished they would have left _her_ outside instead of Fez. At least listening to Fez didn't make him feel like the world around him was collapsing. "Certain people have implied that I _might_ still have feelings for you. But I want you to know that I don't. In fact, now that I'm single I realize how big of a loser you are and I'm _lucky_ to be rid of you. So I'm gonna go and celebrate with a giant gold and green cotton candy!"

His mouth set into a hard straight line. Her words singed his skin. He was hot with anger.

If she was so damn happy to be rid of him why couldn't she just leave him the hell alone?

That was it. If she wanted to pick a fight so bad, he'd give it to her. He didn't have to put up with her crap. He couldn't even focus on the damn game.

He stood up because everyone else around him stood up, though he had no idea what just happened on the field. "Man, what the hell is her problem?" he vented to Donna. "She's ruining the football game." No one answered him. "I'm gonna go tell her where she can stick that cotton candy."

He turned around and took the steps two at a time. His heart bumped right along. If he had it out with Jackie right now it would be the first time since they broke up that they'd be alone and vulnerable and honest. He wasn't sure he was ready for that.

He finished his descent down the stairs and looked around for her, expecting to spot her by the cotton candy stand.

But she wasn't there.

His heart sped up a little more as his brain immediately jumped to the worst case scenario - if she wasn't where she said she would be, what if something had happened? What if some guy had noticed her alone and - but there she was.

Standing behind one of the pillars, near a trash can which was totally not like her. And crying. Letting out soft sobs, and wiping tears from her face, and crying.

His heart stopped completely.

He'd known she was lashing out, knew that she'd been _trying_ to hurt him with all the bullshit she'd been saying and doing today. But he hadn't expected to see her like this. Crying over him. Whatever part of him had wanted to see her hurt only moments before was gone now. He wasn't worth it, he wanted to scream at her. He didn't deserve to be cried over.

He tried to imagine what would happen if he went over there and tried to console her. As he watched she dropped her face into both her hands, covering it completely, and cried silently.

_Taking a deep breath and trying to get a hold of his own emotions, Steven would walk the short distance to where she was standing. He would stand in front of her and gently circle both his hands around either of her wrists and pry them away from her face._

_Her breath would audibly skip when she took in the sight of him, knowing he was taking in the sight of her. Her eyes would glimmer with tears, shed and unshed. He'd let go of her hands to wipe them off her cheek._

_But at his touch she would swerve away. "What are you doing here?" she'd ask emotionlessly._

_He'd look at her, crestfallen and pleading. "Jackie, c'mon." His voice would be less empty._

_"No, Steven, what do you want?" she would insist._

_He'd hang his head and look her in the eyes, determined to get through to her. "I miss you too, Jackie."_

_Jackie'd shake her head, mentally setting up her barriers, not wanting him to get through. "No. You left me."_

_At that he'd look at her like she was insane. Like she really lost it. "No,_ you _left_ me _."_

_Then her voice would crack and she would ask, "Why didn't you fight for me? Why did you let me leave?"_

_And because this was in his head and not happening in real life, he would tell her the truth. "Cause I was stupid and scared."_

_It would be enough for her and she'd release one last sob of relief and then hook her hands around his neck, pull him close to her, and bury herself in his body. And he would feel his first pang of happiness in days. He'd breathe her in and hold her close and kiss the top of her head and whisper the words "I'm sorry," over and over again, and he would think never again, because, God, he'd never want to lose her again._

_He would kiss her, then he would ask her if she wanted to ditch the game, and they'd sit it out and make out and smile and laugh and never stop touching each other._

But none of that happened.

Because Hyde realized, while watching her cry, that she may have been transparent and sharp as glass, but she was also just as fragile. And he had broken her.

* * *

The car ride home was excruciating, for more reasons that one. First off, Donna had refused to tell Hyde anything, even when he pulled her aside while everyone else was climbing into the car and asked with as much self-control as he could muster.

"Did you talk to her?" he had asked her, trying not to sound too eager.

"Yeah," was all Donna had said, stuffing her hands in her coat pockets.

"And? Did she tell you why she was being so goddamn insufferable?" This roughly translated to _why was she crying?_ and _did she regret breaking up with me?,_ which he hoped Donna picked up on.

Donna's eyebrows raised lazily. "She's Jackie. She never thinks she's being insufferable."

Hyde clicked his tongue impatiently. "What did she _say,_ Donna?"

He had to know. Seeing her cry had tied a knot around his throat and every second that passed by pulled the string tighter. If she missed him as much as he missed her… If he knew just a little bit of what she was thinking, how she was feeling… then maybe they could work things out. Maybe this breakup wouldn't last forever.

"If you wanna know so bad, ask her yourself."

At that same moment Red had turned around and yelled at them to "hurry the hell up," and that signaled the end of their useless conversation.

Having all of them packed into one car was the furthest thing from comfortable. He felt suffocated and cramped and hot, like he couldn't breathe. Pulling up the driveway had been a relief. He couldn't get out of the car fast enough.

Neither could Jackie, it seemed, who hopped out and started stretching her legs immediately, walking towards the back of the garage. Anticipation tickled the back of his throat. Was she leaving already? He'd thought that he would have some time to catch her. Maybe talk to her. If not by herself then at least hear her voice as she bid everyone else goodbye.

He watched her from the corner of his eye until she turned back around, walking back towards the car. A breath he didn't know he was holding escaped his body. She wasn't leaving yet.

He hung around, trying not to make it look like he was killing time as everyone around them filtered out. It was cold tonight.

He wondered what the chances were that she was doing the same - deliberately lingering. Though, after today, he doubted it.

Soon he and Jackie were the only people left in the driveway. He shivered. She walked around the car slowly, stopping a few feet away from him. She shuffled her feet and looked around, not saying a word. Clearly she was done with antagonizing him for the day. He was grateful. He didn't think he could handle her saying the words _I'm single_ one more time.

She looked so pretty today.

He kept his hands in his pockets to keep them from touching her in some way – they yearned to push her hair away from her face, or cup the side of her cheek gently.

"Well this sucks," he said, summarizing the situation in as few words as possible. "Cause before we could just kind of, uh...hang out, you know?"

But did she know? He was certain she had no idea the thoughts going through his head. The things he was seeing.

If they were still together…

_If they were still together they'd have disappeared to the basement long ago. He would have held her hand and led her down the stairs as quickly as possible before the Formans could shout at them about curfew._

_And once they were in the basement he would sit on the couch and open his body up for her. Hers would curl into his side, her head would loll back against his chest, and she'd hum happily._

_That would be around the time that Forman would interrupt them, making sure to stand at the top of the staircase and announce to them that he was coming. "Make sure you're not doing anything that'll traumatize me!" he would shout as he descended._

_Jackie would roll her eyes and mutter something minorly and unharmfully insulting about Hyde's best friend, and he would wrap his hand around hers and squeeze it gently._

_On nights like tonight Forman would have hung out for a couple minutes, sitting on Hyde's chair and talking to them both about whatever was on his mind._

_"Man, I wish you guys had seen the way I beat that guy up," he would say excitedly. "It was awesome, man. That adrenaline...I finally understand how superheroes feel. Once you start beating up the bad guys...you'll never wanna go back."_

_Jackie would screw up her face and toss him a dirty look. "_ You? _Oh, please, Eric, you're the biggest wuss I've ever met. You wouldn't be able to save_ yourself _from any_ _form of evil, much less the entire world."_

_"You're one to talk, Little Miss Ow-My-Nail-Broke!" he'd say, mocking Jackie's high-pitched voice._

_"I don't need to save myself," Jackie would say pompously. "Steven would protect me. Wouldn't you, Steven?" She would bend up her head to look at him half-adoringly, half-threateningly._

_And Hyde would smile at her then look back up at Forman and say, "That's right, baby." It was always easier doing all that cute crap when it was just Forman around and not the whole gang._

_"Man," Forman would whine jokingly. "Do you have to be so...cute and cuddly in front of me?"_

_"Hey, man, I'm trying to get laid," he'd respond, at which point Jackie would gasp and slap him._

_"Whatever," Forman would say. "I'm leaving."_

_"Night, Eric," Jackie would say with a smile, because Hyde knew she secretly enjoyed his company._

_"Night," he would say back and then nod towards Hyde, probably slapping his shoulder as he went back upstairs._

_Once he was gone Jackie would sit up and give him her widest smile. "It's my turn."_

_"No it's not," he would inwardly groan, because he'd know it really was her turn and that he'd have to put up with terrible music all night._

_He and Jackie had a system: it had started off with them just taking turns introducing each other to their favorite albums and then eventually evolved into the both of them alternating nights in which they played their own music._

_"Yes it is," she'd retort, already halfway to the record player._

_Seconds later the sound of whoever she'd been listening to lately would fill the basement. Maybe it would be that Elton John song she played in the car once. The one he'd listened to a million times afterwards without her knowing it._

_"Oh, don't you just love this song?" she would ask dreamily._

_He'd answer dishonestly: "No."_

_"It would be so nice to dance to."_

_"No," he'd shake his head._

_Jackie would walk back to the couch and crouch down to be just below his eye level. One hand on his thigh and one gripping his hand, she'd turn her eyes into magic makers and ask again, "Please dance with me."_

_He'd be a goner._

_Her smile would grow wider as he stood up with a heaving sigh. And it would stay on her face as she walked him around the back of the couch and put their hands in place._

_Dancing wasn't what Jackie liked so much as being held. They wouldn't move around much. She'd just rest her head on his chest and he'd sway along with her and softly whisper jokes in her ear._

I hope you don't mind, _Elton John would sing relentlessly._ That I put into words - how wonderful life is while you're in the world.

_He would tighten his hold on her and bend his head a little to get closer to her. She wouldn't say a word, and her damn silence would force him to listen carefully to all the lyrics. And they would claw at his heart until he was bleeding open and all his feelings for her flooded out of him like a broken dam._

_She would sense it and look up at him at the same time Elton John sang that line about her eyes being the sweetest eyes he'd ever seen and Hyde wouldn't be able to help himself from kissing her in that moment._

_They'd be so lost in kissing, in the taste and feel of each other that they would forget to continue dancing, and they wouldn't remember until the song finished and they pulled away breathing heavy._

_She would say "I love you" first, as she usually did, and he would say it back, and he would have meant it with every bone in his body._

"Well that was before." Jackie's voice slammed back into him. "Obviously hanging out doesn't work so well now."

She was so determined, Hyde thought, to provoke him and rub it in his face that they were broken up. She clearly hadn't wanted him to see her crying or Donna would have said something. And even now, when it was just the two of them and his defenses were down, she still showed no sign of regretting the breakup.

Elton John sang a lot of crap about being in love and how wonderful life was. It was bullshit. Life wasn't wonderful when she was in the world. Life was wonderful when she was with him, when she loved him. Without that, there wasn't a thing about life that resembled anything close to wonderful.

* * *

"You want me to give you a ride home?" he asked and he hoped.

"No, that's okay."

"I don't mind." He was grasping at straws, he knew, but if he could get her in the car with him…then what?

"No, I'll walk." She smiled at him softly, and broke his heart. "But thank you."

Hyde began to panic. She sounded so conclusive. So sure of herself. Not sad at all. Not like she missed him.

What would happen if he just turned around and said her name?

She would turn to face him, probably, eyebrows raised with her silent question.

_"I want to drive you home," he would say. "Please. Let me take you home."_

_His voice, shaky and unsure, would do the trick. She'd look at him, eyes full of hurt, and say, "Okay."_

_Parked on the street in front of the house, the Camino would be as silent as they were walking towards it. They'd get in without a word. He would start the car and drive down the road, going so slow he'd be sure his heart was moving faster than his car._

_She would huff out a breath of air, crossing her legs and turning to stare out the window. She wouldn't make it easy. And it would take a while for him to gather up the strength._

_But once he finally did he'd say it. "Jackie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I l-"_

_"_ Don't, _" she would snap viciously. "Don't say it."_

_His fingers would involuntarily tighten on the steering wheel. "Fine. I won't say it. As long as you know it."_

_Her head would shake and her eyes would stay focused on the landscape out the window. "I don't know anything."_

_His impatience and anxiety would start to war inside him and he'd bite out, "Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"_

_"_ I _make everything difficult?"_

_"Yes! You do!"_

_"No! I don't. The only thing I wanted from you was-"_

_"A goddamn proposal."_

_"I didn't want a proposal, I just wanted-"_

_"Me to promise that I'd spend the rest of my life with you. What the hell is the difference?"_

_"No," she'd look at him then, with all the hurt gone from her eyes and replaced with burning fury. "Stop doing that. Stop twisting my words so they can fit your stupid narrowminded narrative. I just wanted to know-"_

_"I'm_ nineteen, _Jackie, how the hell am I supposed to know-"_

 _"Because_ I _know. I'm eighteen and I know that I can't imagine my life without you."_

 _"You_ think _you know. You think that's what you want, but you have no idea. Your life's barely begun. You don't know what's out there or who's out there-"_

 _"I don't_ care _what or who's out there, Steven."_

_"And what if I don't want to get married?" he'd yell, his voice rising despite himself. "Would you still want me then? Would you stay with me forever if it meant never getting a ring?"_

_She would blink. She wouldn't have expected the question. "Why wouldn't you want to-"_

_"Answer the question, Jackie."_

_She wouldn't._

_"Exactly," he would say, pulling the car to the side of the road so he could talk to her properly. "You want a nice, planned-out future, Jackie, but all I want is you."_

_She would shake her head again as tears he didn't mean to cause rolled down her cheeks. "I want a future_ with you. _And all I wanted was to know you felt the same. But you...this...this is just proof that you don't."_

_He would close his eyes and consider his options. Because this was all in his head, he'd choose the right one._

_"No," he would tell her with an even voice. "Listen to me, Jackie. I love you. And I don't think much about the future but whenever I do, you're there with me. When I think about moving out I think about taking you with me. When I'm makin' dinner for myself, I think about whether or not you ate yet. I don't do_ anything _without thinking about you, Jackie, and I'm-" he would swallow. It would be hard to get the next part out; it was always hard to be so blatantly in love with her. But he would do it anyway._

_"I'm sorry I didn't let you know it. And I let you think I don't...ever wanna marry you. And I'm sorry I broke that promise to you and didn't show up to that Christmas Eve thing. I didn't realize how much it meant to you and I didn't think...If I knew if it would've led to this I would've put on a damn suit and gone with you. Happily."_

_He would look right at her and put his hand in hers for the first time in weeks. "I'm sorry, Jackie. You know I love you - you gotta know that - but you don't know how sorry I've been. Even if you don't want me back, you gotta know that. I love you and I'm sorry."_

_His voice would probably feel raw from all the confessing, as if he'd just finished crying rather than giving a shitty apology._

_And for once he would be the one to give the speech and she would be the one left speechless. She'd throw her hands around his neck and bury her face in that spot she likes, where his neck meets his shoulder, and kiss his skin and he would know that they'd be okay._

Hyde turned around and saw Jackie walking away from him. He could do it. All he had to do was call her name, and his fantasy could come to life.

He opened his mouth. No sound came out.

It would never happen, he realized with startling surety. His fantasy was nothing but exactly that - a figment of his dreams and what could be, if things were a little different. If he knew how to say the right thing at the right time. If he deserved her.

Cause in reality nothing he'd imagined today would ever happen.

_He would have gotten into that car with Jackie and been so caught up and overcome with how he felt that it would've clogged up his throat and he wouldn't say anything the entire drive to her house._

_He'd stare at the road with unrelenting focus and force Jackie to sit in depressing silence for way too long. He'd do nothing but long for her until they finally pulled up her driveway, and only when her fingers toyed with the door handle would his voice jump into action._

_"Jackie," he would say before she could swing the door open._

_"What?" she'd ask in the voice that unravelled him completely._

_He would reach for her hands desperately and look into her eyes wildly. The words would get stuck in his throat. They wouldn't form coherent thoughts in his brain._

_And he would panic. How was he supposed to convey to her everything he felt? He wouldn't know how - not with his words._

_"What, Steven?" she would ask again._

_So he'd try to tell her with his eyes, curling a hand around her neck to bring her face close enough to see what he was trying to say._

_"Jackie." His voice wouldn't work properly._

_So he'd try again, with his hands, pressing their palms together. Maybe she'd feel the way she drove his pulse crazy._

_And when that didn't work he would try one more time, with his lips, dipping his head down to kiss her. She'd respond quickly, like she always did, and tug at his shirt, drawing herself nearer._

_Taking in a breath of air against her lips would be his first breath since she walked out that door weeks before. He'd kiss it all into her. Her fingers would curl around his curls and pull lightly and he'd let out a soft moan._

_Then, just as his heart started to feel lighter, she would pull away from him, snapping her hands to her side, making sure no part of her was touching any part of him._

_"No." He probably would have made her cry. He was so good at making her cry, and it killed him every time. "Stop it." Her fingers would have found their way back to the door handle._

_She would look at him directly as she delivered her final blow. "You made your decision, Steven. Let me make mine."_

_And she would get out his car and leave him. Again. Every step she took would kill him, but he would let her go, because he deserved it._

That was what he was doing now. Better to watch her walking away like this, on her way back home, than to have missed yet another chance to get her back. So he didn't call out for her. He waited until he could no longer see even her shadow; her absence carved a hole where his heart should be.

He turned around and went inside. The image of Jackie leaving him haunted his dreams.


End file.
